It’s raining Elk

by Humbuggie

© 2003-12-16

Written for VS11’s Winter Challenge

Dedicated to Vickie Moseley, just because!

Rated R for a few curses, nothing major

Type: Comedy

Story: It’s raining elk, and icemen, and lord knows

what else.

“Mulder, please don’t tell me you bought that

lavender fragrance *again*!”

Mulder stopped whistling, looked up from the thick

book sitting on his lap and stared in surprise at

Scully, who had not spoken a word for the past half

hour while concentrating on the snowy road ahead. She

actually had her tongue sticking between her teeth

while she focused on the road, ready to slaughter

Mulder for having her drive.

Of all the few times he had ever asked her to drive,

why did he have to go and pick today? She wanted to

be the one relaxing instead of straining her back and

entire being trying to mind the road. It wasn’t bad

enough that they were strangers in a strange land.

No. It had to go and snow elk and deer. And her

partner -god forbid she would actually finish him

off before the end of the day -constantly whistled

while reading ‘Ghosts and everything else you wanted

to know about this planet but never dared to ask’, a

thick book he’d picked up at a second-hand store.

When handing her the keys earlier, he had said, “They

say that smaller drivers can’t hurt themselves so

much when they bump into things. The airbag is

exactly at the right height.”

She had stuck out her tongue and muttered something

along the lines of, “And larger drivers will get

their things cut off if they stop acting like self-

centered jerks.”

Not that she could be angry with him. Not even when

he started humming with the softly playing radio,

“It’s raining Elk. Hallelujah, it’s raining Elk,

Amen.”

“Men, Mulder.”

“Huh?”

“It’s raining men.”

“Not in my universe it’s not.” Then he went back to

his book, reading as if she wasn’t slipping on the

icy roads driving only two miles per hour, while the

wipers worked overtime.

“Hey,” he finally said, looking up from his book.

“We’re near Winona, right?”

“I sure hope so. If we arrive in Vegas, we’re in deep

shit.”

“Coolness. I just read a story about the terrible

iceman they found right here.”

“Are you looking in the mirror again?” she asked,

lifting her nose for the scent of lavender he’d

splashed on so carelessly this morning. How could any

adult man wear lavender fragrance? Didn’t he have any

pride?

“Funny, Scully. Now keep on paddling so we won’t

drown in this snow.”

“Whatever,” she muttered, slipping almost off the

peddles as she cautiously followed the road that lead

to the airport. Not that they would actually be able

to take off once there. Not while it – was ..

.raining elk.

“Why does it rain elk?” she asked after another

fifteen minutes of silence, all apart from the music

still blaring from the radio.

“Pardon?”

“Why not women? Or dogs? Why elk?”

“I don’t know. I like elk.”

“To eat or to watch?”

“Both.”

“You’ve eaten elk?!”

“Of course I did.”

“When?”

“In college.”

“You are totally mad. Elk pull Santa’s sleigh,

they’re not for eating.”

“What about those cute little bunnies you love to

devour? They’re there to hop around and wiggle their

little fluffy tails, aren’t they?”

“I like rabbits.”

“Rabbit with prunes. Delicious.”

“So how do you eat elk?”

“You barbecue it.”

“Yum.”

“It’s actually quite tasty.”

“Oh puke, Mulder.”

“Do you really think that Santa would mind that I’m

eating his helpers? Oh Christmas is long passed,

we’re nearly upon the New Year, Scully. I’m sure he

doesn’t need them anymore.”

“You Brutus! Oh and by the way, elk don’t pull the

sleigh. Those are reindeer.”

“So you’ve got moose, reindeer and elk. Do you know

the difference?”

“I studied biology.”

“I studied humans. Real beasts!” Mulder shrugged,

clapped the book shut and was about to say he was

going to take a nap, when the car slipped in a curve,

veered sharply to the right and slid off the road as

if it had a mind of its own.

“Watch out!” he heard himself shout, feeling himself

flung forward, slamming into the dashboard as the car

tripped over to the right, coming to an abrupt

standstill against a bird’s feeding house on a pole.

The little house wobbled and dropped on top of the

vehicle’s hood.

“Feck it.”

Scully couldn’t help but laugh, relieved when she

heard her partner mutter a curse even before she

could look over to check if he was hurt. His way too

loose seatbelt had not protected him. Neither had the

airbag that didn’t deploy like it should have done.

“I gather you’re okay?” she asked.

“Yep. Stupid car.”

“It’s a rental.”

“Who cares? That airbag should have exploded and

minded my poor head,” Mulder groaned, rubbing the

sore spot where his skull bumped into the dashboard.

He kicked the dashboard hard. And the bag inflated,

popping out of its compartment, smothering Mulder.

“Crap!”

Scully roared with laughter, despite the precarious

situation they were in. Well, the problems weren’t

that bad. They weren’t that far away from

civilization and her cell would probably still work.

They’d get help in a flash.

Both agents crawled out of the car, Mulder still

rubbing his forehead painfully. “Now what?”

Scully fished out her cell phone. “Now we rely on the

powers of modern civilization and find someone to tow

the car.”

“Erm, Scully.”

“What?”

“Would you mind running after that thing there

first?”

“What thing?”

Mulder had already started to run in the direction of

a figure about ten feet away from them, covered in

snow, almost unable to see it. “That thing!” he

shouted against the wind, already starting to run as

fast as his feet could carry him. Not that he was so

fast. It was pretty slow, really, with his shoes

sinking into inches of thick snow up to his knees.

“Mulder, are you crazy?” she shouted after him.

“Come on! Get those little feet moving!”

“Little feet my ass.” Scully started running after

him, not even seeing the shadow that he so clearly

saw. Her shoes were not made for this type of

weather. They hadn’t really planned on working,

anyhow. She sighed tiredly after a few yards, not

able to see Mulder or the shadow anymore, just her

partner’s trail.

“Mulder!” she shouted as loud as she could, but no

reply came. She just heard a yell, or something like

that. Like an animal’s cry. And then a yelp and

another shout.

“Mulder!”

“S – Aw–!”

“What?”

“S -t -a -y a -w -” And then the world sank

away from under her feet and she felt her body fall

through a loose patch of snow and ice, at least four

meters down. There, she landed on her ass, right next

to Mulder who looked at her with a painfully goofy

grin.

“I told you to stay away,” he muttered.

“Right on cue.” Scully crawled up, patting the snow

off her body. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” He was on his feet beside her, with a bump on

his forehead that slowly grew the size of a goose’s

egg. “I lost him though.”

“Will you stay here for two seconds and tell me what

the hell we were chasing?”

“I got a good look at him, Scully. He was butt ugly!

Tall, hairy, and with enough moustache to play Sam

the Seal.”

“Tom Selleck?”

“Nooooo! It was him, Scully. Or it. Or whatever you

call it. The terrible iceman. I have a picture of it

in my book. I’m certain that it was him.”

“You mean the bump on your head is telling you that.”

“Don’t be daft. I know what I saw.”

“It could have been Pippo the clown for all I care. I

want to go back to the car and be done with it, not

to mention get warm again. I should call for help and

-guess what? -my cell doesn’t work here. It’s too

far off the road.”

Mulder suddenly roared with laughter.

“What?”

“I’ll bet you ten to one that we won’t find the car

again.”

Scully groaned. “I swear that one day I’ll kill you,

Fox Mulder.”

“Oh, I love it when you call me Fox. But don’t do it

too often.”

“So what then?”

“Well, you lead the way. They say that women are

better navigators.”

“Even the ones with little legs and feet?”

“The brain is still just as large, Scully.”

“Start walking, mister. Or I’ll show you what a large

brain can do.”

“Promises, promises.”

Scully hated it when her partner was right. Well, not

really or she would have been hating him for

eternity. But anyhow, they didn’t find the road. Or

the car. Nothing. No mobile connection, no way out of

this predicament. It wasn’t even a nice trip to the

forest. Nope. It was also freezing.

“There’s a cabin.” Mulder raised his hands to the sky

and exclaimed, “We’re saved!

Hallelujah!”

Scully laughed despite their situation and tried her

cell phone once again. Nothing. Well, perhaps whoever

lived in there would be able to help them. And he

would probably have a phone.

Smoke came out of the single chimney to the right.

Through the curtains they could see one of the

largest home cinema installations money could buy.

Relief surged through her. If they had

a monster TV, they had to have phone or Internet too.

Mulder knocked hard on the door. Inside the sound

remained loud. He knocked again. “Anyone home?” he

shouted. The noise continued unabated.

Mulder shrugged and opened the door to a single-room

home that held a bed in the back, and the huge TV and

one large couch at the front. There was a small

kitchenette to the right, and a fireplace that

distributed the only warmth inside.

“Hello?” Mulder shouted as loudly as he could,

walking towards the couch where a man sat.

Only when he came close enough to see the man’s

features, would the owner of the house look up. Then

he stood up.

Scully held her giggles barely inside as she watched

the skinniest man she’d ever seen, clad in

large pyjamas and T-shirt that’d seen better days,

large Brown Bear socks, huge slippers and

a Santa’s cloak and hat.

“What?” he grumbled, still holding the remote to his

huge TV.

“Sorry to bother you sir, but we got lost,” Mulder

said, also trying to hold his laughter. He refused to

look at Scully, knowing that one glance would set

them off. “Would you mind if we borrowed your phone

and get someone to tow our car?”

“The nearest road is two miles down.”

“Yes sir, we know. We kept on walking in the wrong

direction. Obviously, very wrong. Erm -you wouldn’t

have happened to have seen a strange person hanging

around here, would you?”

Now Scully sniffled. She couldn’t hold it in any

longer. The only weird person was the Santa-suit clad

householder. Or make that cottage.

“Are you laughing at me?” Santa-freak moved forward,

looking suspiciously at Scully who quickly shook her

head. “No sir, we’re not. We just want to borrow your

phone.”

“Have no phone.”

“You don’t have a phone?”

“Look around you. Do you see anything that even

remotely resembles a cable?”

“But you have this TV-set and -”

“Do you think I own cable? No! Wanna know why?

Because the cable men are too freaking lazy to get

here and hook me up. So I had to buy this TV and DVD

and I spend my entire freaking life watching movies

I’ve seen a thousand times.” The skinny man ploughed

back into his chair.

“Can you at least tell us then where we have to be?

How to get back?”

“Go in that direction.” The man pointed with his hand

unseeingly straight into Mulder’s abdomen, hitting

the agent in the process. “Get out.”

“And a Merry Christmas to you too,” Scully muttered

indignantly.

“Christmas is for losers.”

“So it seems.”

“Come on, Scully.” Mulder grasped his exasperated

partner by the arm and forced her to walk outside

with him.

“Mulder, are you going to let that bastard get away

with it?”

“What is he getting away with Scully? It’s obvious we

stumbled into the geek of the century.

We can sell him a Lone Gunmen subscription and he

would fit in perfectly. No, this is no use.

We’ll go into the direction of my belly button and be

done with it.”

She roared in laughter, touching his belly. “That is

a cute belly button, you know.”

“If we find another cottage like this, sans Santa-

freak, you can check it out. How’s that?”

“Anything to keep warm, right? It’s our duty to

protect ourselves.” She was blowing on her freezing

digits now, trying to find some warmth.

“Thatagirl. Come on.”

Scully knew she shouldn’t let anything or anyone get

to her, and she knew they weren’t that far away from

civilization, but she felt her courage slither down

into her too-light shoes. Her toes were freezing and

so was her heart.

They tried to follow their own trail back to the

road, only to figure out they were walking around in

circles for an hour, when they reached their own

trail again. By then, the snow had covered most of

it.

“If the Blair Witch pops up, I swear I’ll kill her,”

Scully grumbled angrily.

“Kick ass Scully. Just the girl I like. Look, we’re

back at the cottage.”

“Okay, that does it.” Scully stomped forward, one big

fury of anger and rage, stopping only at the cabin’s

front porch. Then she just walked inside, not even

ridding her shoes of the snow.

The man was watching Die Hard With a Vengeance.

Bullets flew around, sending all the large boxes into

a spur of noise. She walked forward, grasped the

remote from his hands and switched off the TV.

Santa-Freak looked up wearily. “Back again?”

“What the hell kind of game are you playing? Do you

want us to die out there?”

“Nobody ever dies in here.”

“Easy for you to say with your stupid slippers and

warm socks. I’m cold, freezing and very hungry. Now

you can either feed or clothe us, or we will come

back from the dead and haunt your skinny little ass

down for eternity. How’s that?”

He muttered and looked at her coolly. “I’ll help you,

if you can get those freaking cable guys over and get

me phone too.”

“Alright.” Scully fished her badge out of her jacket.

“I’m FBI. They’ll listen.” The man’s eyes widened.

“They’d better when she’s in that mood,” Mulder

groaned, feeling the onset of a huge hunger-induced

headache. He sank on one of the few chairs near the

kitchen area and looked hungrily at the pots that

stood on the stove. But they were empty.

“Obviously you have electricity,” Scully said, “and

you need to eat. So get us some food.”

“The electricity men weren’t that difficult. I bribed

them. But I hate the cable guys,” the skinny man

grumbled while moving into the kitchen and fishing

out a take-out dinner that he popped into the tiny

microwave oven.

“Perhaps if you were a bit nicer to the cable people,

they would actually do something for you,” Scully

retorted, sitting on the couch where she removed her

wet shoes and socks and started rubbing her toes.

“Come here, Mulder. You need to get rid of those wet

clothes.”

“Hey, I don’t have a spare bedroom here. Don’t you

dare go nekked with your man and -”

“Don’t worry,” Scully replied curtly. “We just want

to warm up, have some food and be on our way. And it

would go much easier if you would show us the way to

the road.”

He shrugged. “How should I know?”

“You live here, don’t you?”

“Oh yeah. And I have three freezers stuffed with

takeout dinners like the one you’re about to have, to

survive all winter. I never go out before spring. I

like it here on my own.”

“Oh lovely,” Scully muttered, taking in a tired

Mulder who sat rubbing his feet. “Well, food first

and then we’ll decide.”

Mulder put their shoes and socks in front of the

fireplace, removed his jacket and sweater to warm up

there too, and sat at the table sharing one meal with

his partner while Santa-freak watched them eat

suspiciously.

Outside, the snow kept on falling, and the onset of

nightfall started. Scully knew they had to stay the

night, and frankly, she was almost happy about it. In

the morning they could rethink their actions and

decide what to do. She stretched her back and walked

over to Santa-freak just as he flipped his TV-set

back on. Bruce Willis jumped behind a car. And

bullets ran over

Broadway. Lovely.

“We’re staying here,” she said firmly. “Give us a

blanket and we’ll sleep in front of the fireplace.”

Santa-freak didn’t even reply.

Both agents sighed.

Mulder twisted and turned, trying to find a way for

his sore body to sleep properly on the ground. He had

insisted that Scully would take the couch, not

wanting her to get up bruised in the morning. Easier

said than done though. He would have killed to be a

woman right now and be able to get the better part of

two choices. Ah well.

Not to mention the fact that his stomach was roaring

like the thunderstorm that raged outside.

No, far worse than that. Who in the hell provided

only one miniscule frozen dinner for two people? Did

their host have no compassion at all? Hell, he

munched down two pizzas all by himself in good time.

He sighed and sat up, ignoring the hungry sensation

that raged through him. He would kill for that elk

steak, or deer, or whatever. He couldn’t last out

anymore. This guy *had* to have something to munch on

in his kitchen. He couldn’t be *that* weird.

Mulder gently walked over to the cupboards, hit his

big toe twice and bit down on his fist to hide his

scream while opening closet after closet. Nothing!

Nothing at all! How freaking cheap could you get!

He sighed.

Wait a minute. Hadn’t he talked about freezers

stacked full with food? They had to be around here

somewhere. But where? Mulder moved back to his coat

and removed his pocket flashlight. He would find

them, and then he would eat dinner, even if he had to

eat it frozen!

He grunted as he put his cold shoes over his bare

feet, pulled his sweater over him and left the cabin.

Outside, in the snow that had finally stopped falling

and under a clear full moon, he could see just a few

inches away. He walked around the house. No little

cottage next to it. Oh but wait, a door. That had to

lead to somewhere.

Indeed, it lead to the basement. Mulder opened it,

looked at the steep staircase that lead down to an

area underneath the house and shone his light inside.

There were at least four freezers. Ah, Now that was

more like it.

He nearly laughed in pure joy as he opened the first

freezer and found it stuffed with pizzas and

hamburgers. So freaky Santa loved junk food, hey? The

second freezer held more decent meals. The third –

Wait a minute.

Mulder shone his flashlight inside. Those weren’t

meals. What the hell was that? That seemed like a –

“God damnit. A body!” Mulder muttered it out loud.

“Oh feck it.”

The agent held his breath. So Freaky Santa was also a

killer. Oh god, just what they needed.

He shone the light further inside, trying to take a

look at the man lying as good as naked inside. He had

seen that face before, he knew.

Wasn’t that -?

And then he saw an arm move forward, coming out of

the darkness, and a hand seized the agent by the

throat, pulling him almost inside the freezer.

“F -e -c -k it!” Mulder yelped, forcing his

digits between the strong, icy cold hand and his

throat.

Suddenly he was loose. The flashlight fell. Mulder

didn’t wait for the creepy crawler to get out of the

freezer but fled outside, tripping over the steep

steps as he made his way upstairs, back to the

cottage.

“Scully!!!!!!!!!!!!” He yelled so loud that she

nearly fell off the couch. From behind the curtain

where the bed stood, Freakman also groaned loudly in

response.

Mulder slammed the door shut.

“Mulder, what is it?”

“Outside,” he heaved, out of breath. “Outside,

downstairs, the basement, oh man -”

“What? Mulder, what is it?”

“He’s here! The horrible iceman is here!”

“Mulder, you’re dreaming -”

“I swear he was there! Downstairs in one of the

freezers.”

“Willy would find it very hurtful if you called him

horrible,” Freaky Santa inserted calmly, walking

closer to them. “In fact, I think he would be very

much offended.”

“Willy?!” the agents chorused together.

“Yeah, Willy. My good buddy Willy.”

Freaky Santa walked over to the door and opened it.

“Are you crazy?” Mulder yelled. “He’s going to kill

us!”

“Nah. Willy wouldn’t hurt a fly. Would you, Will?”

Scully had to swallow a lump in her throat as a man

clad only in what seemed to be boxer shorts walked

into the room. He saw pale blue skin tone and unkempt

thick hair running all over his body, including his

face. He leaned forward a bit and had very heavy

arms and legs that he barely seemed to be able to

drag forward. He was like a human orang-utan.

“Now do you believe me?” Mulder hissed in his

partner’s ear. “Sceptic!”

Freaky Santa patted the stranger on his back. “Willy

doesn’t harm a fly, do you Will? He’s very innocent,

really, but unfortunately I have to keep him near the

woods so that he doesn’t go off and get caught by –

let’s say, FBI-agents.”

Freakman switched on the lights so that the agents

could take a good look at the blue-tinted hulk who

seemed very calm, very quiet and very innocent when

he bared his big buckteeth, flashing in the light.

“Give the nice people a hand, Willy.”

The orang-utan-human moved forward and slapped his

hand against Mulder’s, who could still feel that same

giant hand stuck around his throat. Oh brother.

“Who -what -is he?” Scully asked as Willy took her

in a bear hug and nearly squeezed the life out of

her.

“He’s my brother.”

Both agents stared dumbly at the odd couple, not

looking at each other out of fear they’d burst into

laughter again. But Freaky Santa continued deadly

serious. “We were twins.”

Oh brother, Scully thought, taking the two of them

in. The Anti Walton’s, to coin Mulder’s favorite

phrase.

“He’s a freak of nature who was raised in a circus.

We were split up as twins. I found him again a few

years ago and have been taking care of him in here

since.”

“He sleeps in a freezer!”

“Willy doesn’t like it warm. I bought it especially

for him,” Freaky protested.

“So I gather that you do know your way out of the

forest?” Scully asked dryly.

“Not me, but Willy does. He loves to watch the cars,

you know. He knows where your car is too, I’m sure.”

Willy nodded very enthusiastically, spitting saliva

all over the wooden floor and onto Mulder’s shoes.

With that, both agents burst into laughter, and took

a step back gingerly. And Willy spent the rest of the

night staring inquisitively at the two agents now

sleeping next to each other, upright, on the couch,

with open mouths and snoring sounds.

In the morning they said goodbye to Freaky after

eating warmed up eggs and bacon that tasted like

leather shoes, and followed Willy, who took them

quietly and without a single word through the forest

and over the snow-covered pastures back to the main

road, exactly to where their car was standing. Willy

was still clad only in his boxer shorts. It made

Mulder feel chilled to even look at him so

underdressed.

As they followed him, Mulder muttered, “Told you

there was a terrible snowman.”

“Iceman,” you said.

“Whatever. You believe me now, right?”

“This poor guy is a freak of nature, and not so

terrible. But other than that, I believe you,” she

spoke with a wry grin.

“Behave, or I’ll have you drive again.”

Back at the car, Willy waved goodbye to the agents

and disappeared back where he came from. To Scully’s

relief, her cell phone found a connection and she

called for help quickly.

“They’ll be here in a few moments,” she said with a

sigh. “Are you okay, Mulder?”

“Yeah, yeah,” he muttered absently, staring at the

spot where Willy disappeared. “Scully look, he’s

back.”

She looked into the direction where Willy had taken

off. A shadow that looked exactly like his came from

the woods into their direction. They could not see

him clearly until he was rather close. And then

Scully held her breath.

“That’s not Willy,” she exclaimed. “That’s –

something else!”

“Get in the car!”

Both agents crawled into the car and locked the doors

as Scully reached for her gun and cocked it. The man

that looked like Willy only wasn’t, jumped on the

back of the car and humped the trunk, jiggling the

agents around inside.

“Shoot it!” Mulder yelled, “but don’t kill it!”

“I’m trying if you stop your girlie screaming.”

Scully aimed at any part of the creature’s abdomen,

ready to shot through the glass in order to hit it.

She couldn’t tell its back from its butt.

“Can’t help it Scully. It’s the third rental car

screwed this month!”

“Wonder how that feels,” Scully muttered under her

breath, ready to shoot some kneecaps.

But then it was gone. It hopped off the car, and

simply vanished.

Mulder cautiously opened his car door and stepped

outside, looking at the stampeded trunk and the huge

footsteps that made way into the forest.

“Oh brother.” Scully stared at the tracks, then her

partner, then the trace again. “Was that -?”

“If it wasn’t, it was probably Willy’s evil twin.”

“He already had a twin.”

“Yes, he had.”

“Oh brother.”

“Yeah, sister!” Mulder reached forward and grabbed

her in his arms, pecking her on the cheek.

“It’s raining elk, hallelujah.”

The End